Do's and Don'ts - what you should know to play IM softball

DO:

  • Bring a glove to the game. You can always borrow one from somebody, but be warned: if you get yours from the other team, it's guaranteed to be all sweaty inside.
  • Wear shoes, even if you're only covering home plate. The kind you can run in. No matter what kind of superpowers you think you have, you can not run in flipflops.
  • Swing away at the ball. You only get three pitches, no matter how terrible they are.
  • Aim for the pitcher if that's what it takes. By now, our pitchers are nimble. The other team will be surprised by how vicious we are towards our own teammates and will beg for mercy.
  • Listen to your base coach. They'll be right most of the time, and if they aren't you can give them a really hard time about it.
  • Take advantage of the fact that we pitch to our own team, and tell the pitcher exactly where you'd like it. (Hee..."like it".)
  • Yell and scream, especially if somebody does something right.
  • Run your ass off if you are in the outfield. It's good for you. But try not to outrun the ball.
  • Run in to cover home if you're hanging out in the infield, not really doing anything, and we don't have a catcher.
  • Go for the cutoff if somebody is trying to hurl it in from way out in the next field. You do this by running halfway between the thrower and the person it needs to get to, holding your glove out, and yelling, "cutoff!"
  • Resist the urge to hit the thrower over the head with your mitt when they decide they don't need the cutoff and come up really short.
  • Make note of where the truck with the ice and first aid kit is.
  • Be a base coach if you're not hitting for awhile. Our runners need guidance on their journey around the gopher-filled infield. It might be the only chance you'll ever have to be a spiritual advisor.
  • Make inappropriate jokes at all times. If you get the other team laughing, they won't be as likely to notice when the first baseman throws the runner an elbow.

DON'T:

  • Answer your phone while you're on the field.
  • Decide that you can catch just as well without a glove.
  • Bunt. Automatic out.
  • Yell and scream at somebody for missing or something. Nobody likes a jerk.
  • Be afraid to hip-check that 80 pound girl that's making a beeline for your base if you can get her out. She's light - she'll bounce.
  • Make fun of Jen if she hip-checks an 80 pound girl and knocks her flat on her ass. She's mean and might hurt you.
  • Slide. Automatic out.
  • Forget to show up for the first game. If you don't, you can't sign the waiver. If you don't sign the waiver, you can't play.
  • Expect the pitcher to do anything once the ball has been hit. They aren't allowed to do anything except stand there and try not to get a softball-sized impact bruise. So if the batter hits it and it lands directly at the pitcher's feet, somebody better run in and cuddle up.